Thursday, July 12, 2018
Friday, July 6, 2018
I felt as if I was two people: An "old" version of me who was jealous, selfish, manipulative, and materialistic... And the "current" version of me who I have been for several years: confident, caring, and kind. Those two Brandon's argued constantly in my brain. It was loud and distracting and I couldn't really pay attention to the world around me. I grew frustrated at small situations, didn't want to interact in public, and also hated being at home. My therapeutic hobbies became too much effort and I backed away from everything in order to try and shield my fractured brain.
There is still a lot to work on, though. Still a lot of these little "Will Power" things that cause me stress. Though my boss doesn't care, it really bothers me that I am walking into work at 7:07 a.m. instead of clocking in at 7. It's only a 10 minute difference, but why am I consistently 5-10 minutes late? It's ridiculous.
I am not heading to the gym as consistently as I need to. I can't blame it on sleep, or being hungry, or not having gym clothes... because those are all things under my control. I am just being lazy about it. I've been twice in two weeks, and that will not form a habit. And I need it to be a habit.
I need to edit my gaming videos. My friends and I have made a few fun videos in relating to Gaming. It took me a little more than two years to actually be brave enough to schedule them and get them in the chairs, it was SO much fun. They enjoyed it too, and as they left, Daniel asked, "So, same time next week?" Anyway, the issue is I now have about 200Gigs worth of video to put together and edit, and I haven't yet. Minecraft and DOOM and other video games have gotten in the way. If I could start the editing, I would enjoy it. But I need to fucking edit it for them to see the product.
I used to follow this philosophic idea "Do something today that will make tomorrow you proud." It helped me a lot, cause I could picture tomorrow me as a separate person, as a friend, and make them proud. "Sore muscles will make you happier tomorrow Brandon, Go to the gym today" type of thing. I dropped that philosophy even before the start of 2018, because I had someone else to rely on, someone else to make proud, now I don't.
I'm going to start trying to treat my "tomorrow me" as a friend again and treat him the way he needs to be treated. He needs healthier foods, needs exercise, and he needs writing for his mental health. Starting with these journals.
Thank you for reading.
Friday, March 2, 2018
It's weird to post when you expect no one to read it. And weirder still when someone does. It's sweet, in a way, because the universe was listening. Because of that, the acquaintance became a good friend. Can't be mad about that.
It's also weird to freak out about my own posts to the point of deleting them. I've never had that before.
So here is a post, a regular post, now that I'm not so... Emotional.
Tonight I had dinner with the family. Afterwards, I followed my dad, Trish, my sister Tiff, and John out to a bar. I was a tad behind them, wanting to chill with my brothers and Katie. When I arrived, I was met with a beer and a Jager bomb. So I did the Jager bomb and sipped the beer. I didn't need anything else. So I talked when the room was quiet enough and otherwise listened to the country music and watched the people move on the dance floor.
I get great enjoyment watching people dance. The crowd slowly spinning itself in a circle like a whirlpool; couples dancing, spinning independently within the whirlpool itself, laughing and loving each other and the music.
Mostly I love seeing the mistakes. Not for any rude reason, but the mistakes make the couple laugh, one seems embarrassed and the other is trying to comfort, all while sticking to the tempo and keeping their place in the whirlpool. It makes the whole metaphor of the beautiful whrilpool and perfect spinning fall apart, really. Cause at that moment they are people, they are flawed, but that doesn't mean they aren't having a grand ol time.
I dunno, it makes dancing less scary. That mistakes can happen and still be enjoyed. That learning is easy, cause secretly everyone in the bar is probably learning. It just reminds me that perception is still mostly in your head. Getting passed embarrassed is really getting passed yourself.
And that I can handle.
Also, I ran my best mile today than I have in three years. I'm feeling pumped.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
THIS COMES WITH STAR WARS SPOILERS
With my own entertaining thoughts.
To get a few things out of the way that a lot of people have been saying that I've heard:
-Queen Leia should have cried with Chewbacca.
-Kylo Ren is a bit of a baby
-It is very similar to a New Hope.
So I enjoyed the movie. Not as much as some, but it was a good film and lives up to the original three in my personal opinion. I have minor complaints that I haven't seen anyone yet address, and then I have a couple of my own theories that I haven't heard from any of the podcasts I listen to.
My first and foremost major annoyance to me is the lack of different ships in the film. In A New Hope, Empire, and Return of the Jedi, they had several ships within the rebellion. They had the A-Wing, B-Wing, X-Wing, and Y-Wing. All were fighters except for the Y-Wing, which is a Bomber fighter. On the Empire side, you had the TIE Fighter, Bomber, and Interceptor.
In this new film, they seemed to strip away the extra fighters for just the basics - X-Wing vs TIE Fighter, which is a little boring to me. In the film, they talked about the "bombing runs" they needed to do on the Starkiller base, why wouldn't you use your BOMBING Fighter? Bah.
Second and final real annoyance, from a filming perspective, is that Kylo Ren takes off his mask at the wrong time. He should not have taken it off when seeing Rey for the first time. I understand that they needed his expression so people could speculate whether or not he knew her, but that could have been done with dialogue. Him repeating her name or asking her questions, or hell, just admitting that he once knew someone named Rey... I mean, up until he takes it off, we assume he's mangled or scarred in some sort of fashion. But if the first time he takes off his mask when he sees Han Solo, you would have gotten a shock factor that he is normal. It would have greatly shown that all of his anguish is internal and not external (which is where a lot of the dark side of the force gets represented,) And I think it would have better shown that he can be pulled from the darkness. Which is where my theories are gonna come in.
Side note - I listened to someone's podcast and they mentioned it could have been better if they just crippled the Starkiller base, and not destroyed it. I dunno how well that would have worked through the rest of the films, but it is very difficult to see how they can come up with another villain base to blow up.
THEORY 1) Kylo Ren is going to be pulled from the dark side. He just is. 4-6 is all about the temptations of the dark side, 1-3 is about someone falling into the dark side, and 7-9 is going to be a redemption from dark to light. There is so much talk about the light side of the force in TFA that I almost got annoyed. The mission for Han when going to Starkiller was to bring Kylo Ren home, not to kill him. Kylo dying means Han Solo's last mission fails. The real villain is going to be Snoke. This parallels Darth Vader's journey as well, only I think Kylo Ren will be on the "Light Side" before the end of VIII, my theory is, is that he will watch his mother die by the hands of Snoke, and instead of shrinking into darkness, he is going to attempt to rescue her and pull away.
THEORY 2) FINN is force sensitive and will be a Jedi. The movie is named The Force Awakening. It is implied it is all over the galaxy. Finn will be trained as well, either by the hands of Rey, or someone else.
THEORY 3) Maz Kanata was a Jedi, or an apprentice of Luke's at one point. There are a few loosely mentioned facts around this theory. 1- She has been around for thousands of years, ya know during the Jedi hype days. 2- She knows Luke or of in some sort of fashion, after having his good ol' lightsaber handy. (This one is the Blue one Luke ended up losing, so I don't know if she knows him personally.) 3- She is clearly knowledgeable within the force itself talking to Finn the way she did. And 4- She has kept her place running for thousands of years with herself in charge... Jedi mind tricks could make that possible. It is a HUGE stretch that she is actually a Jedi, but she would be a great Yoda-Like character for Finn to train with while Rey is with her new Obi-wan (Her first Obi-wan being Han.)
I think that's about all I have. To be perfectly honest, I probably have more, but it is now time for me to leave work and start my weekend.
I hope you enjoyed this thrilling endeavor through StarWars vomit, but I hope mine was a slightly different color.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Before I begin, I'd like to point out that it is rather ridiculous to come up with a title before the story. The story itself is normally created, before a witty title can be placed on it. Welp, I chose to make the title, and, hindsight being what it is, it is probably going to be irrelevant to the post.
Kristi and I talked a lot the past few days on realistic goals for ourselves. We are in a wonderful place right now where money isn't tight, that we haven't bitten off more than we can chew yet like everyone (including myself) does. We have the ability to save money, and we are going to try our hardest to do so. We talked about Cardisia, outlining some realistic things that we'll have to do for it, sacrifices we may need to make in order to make it a success, and goals that need to be accomplished before we take it to the next level. It was all very serious talk that I didn't enjoy (because I'm an immature brat), but when we got to talking, it was exciting I have that wonderful dream of "some day" and then suddenly it's like, "not some day, but rather soon" I apologize that this is vague, I wish I could elaborate and not bore you with business-y related things, but I assure you, you would be bored.
I thought I had a lot of stuff to say until I started writing. I honestly don't. I mean,.. I have a story that is odd for some, but I found it rather clever.
So, I am a big fan of Roosterteeth, They have a social Media platform that only works well enough, and random people can comment here and there. I've started a few discussions, made some enemies, had a few arguments, made some friends. It's a weird platform where they don't allow you to give too much information away, which I personally like.
That being said, there is this person on there, who wrote a simple comment saying, "Someone tell me a story." that was four days prior to me seeing it, but no one had commented her back.
So I replied, "What kind of story?"
A day later she wrote to me, "Any kind of story."
It was at that point, ladies and gentlemen, where I cracked my knuckles, stretched the fingers, and prepared to write the novella of a lifetime! Only I didn't. That's a lie, I simply read over one of my short stories that I've written, about a page and a half, copied and pasted it. It is about three Lords of their house who choose not to bow to the new king, thus resulting in their inevitable death. I don't write their death, because a cliff hanger is the best part, it allows the reader to think of the different possibilities, and to want more. This is the ending quote from of of my three heroes, “I don’t think you understand us Commander,” Rowan looked at his comrades to his left and right, “We have chosen to accept death over life in service to your new King and we also decided to bring as many men who serve him to the afterlife with us. The next move is yours.”
And I left it at that. I thought at the very least, she'll have something to read. Maybe she'll enjoy it, Maybe give her something to thing about, let her pick her own ending. And... She did pick her own ending. To my unsuspecting surprise She wrote roughly a page of the battle that my three heroes had. Where the arrows soared, the swords clashed, and the blood spilled. And then, she left it on a cliffhanger. It's crazy weird how I thought nothing of it, it was practice to me, but she then went ahead and thought it was worthy enough of another page and a half. Is it weird to feel... honored? Not to mention, I feel an obligation to continue the story with this stranger, who has decided to continue my unfinished story, cause she left it at a cliffhanger as well. It is just a strange compliment. A way to say, "I would like more." by contributing some yourself.
Thinking about it some more, I had this feeling similarly to the beginning of Cardisia, When the Artists of my group delivered more artwork and edits than I thought possible. I enjoy this feeling.
Now... About Cardisia you ask.
There are no serious updates on it, except that I have reworked the story from the ground up so it 10 times better with Kristi editing it. But something strange has happened to me in the past 24 hours, in which I was trying to say above (with all the vagueness) that I couldn't quite figure out until I started organizing my thoughts through writing this.
Cardisia is no longer just a dream. It is no longer "just a project." It is work. It is my second Job. It is the internship of a job of a lifetime. It is a struggle to deal with the issues at hand, it is a struggle to focus and not just be "the writer" of a fun project. I hate the work needed to be put into it sometimes.... Hates a strong word. But dislike. I dislike the work I need to put into it sometimes. But I still do. I am not the writer, but the creator. Do we need something sketched? I suck at drawing, but I can promise you I've drawn 10 images recently. Traced several others to sharpen them up (the originals were quite small). Every time an artist needs help with how to show something on a comic-panel platform, I'm sketching it up as best I can, and sending it on its way with a script, idea, and character outlines. I am constantly in need of more of me to do what I need to do. But deep down I love it. I won't let it go. It's soon, my friends. Very soon.