Friday, July 22, 2011

The musings of a BFG - Big Fr**ndly Giant.

You know that therapeutic-ness that I talk about through my posts? Yeah, its time for one of those. I want to iterate that this isn't a call for help or advice, just typing of things that go through my mind frequently. Very frequently.

I am lazy. I wipe my brow (shame) when I type that. It's just something that I am not proud of. It's a mix of several things of course, but it becomes difficult as to where to begin. To list them as a three pronged thesis statement, it comes down to healthy habits, exercise, and work ethic.

First off, healthy habits. I separate healthy habits and exercise for a reason, but I'll get to that in exercise. My healthy habits aren't habit forming. I try, and try, and try, over and over and over again. I can stay healthy for a week, feel healthier, feel better. But for some reason I get extremely lazy. Fast food is cheaper and quicker, doesn't require any REAL work from me and it fills my belly. I have tried so many times, that most of my friends and family don't go, "Great job!", instead they reply, "How long do you think it'll last this time?" I know they jest, but it really sucks feeling like they don't support my endeavor. And just KNOWING that I can't stick with it. I am at a place in my life where I have been blessed with a lot of time and I'm not constantly broke, why can't I go out to Sprouts and purchase fruit and vegetables a second time? Why don't I have the desire to make my own food, such as smoothies, fruit salads, chicken salads, and salads in general.. Just reading over the list of foods I provided, they are all cold, whereas I prefer hot food. Maybe.. Just MAYBE, that's it? Anyone know of some easy-to-make hot and healthy dishes? Lemme know. But I used to be able to do the healthy thing for a long time, no problem, made all my own food and had no want for fast food cause the food I make tastes better and is better for me.

Second, is exercise. I have the shoes, shorts, protein shake and now the partner.. See, I am really good at making excuses for myself nowadays. For the longest time I chose to not go to the gym because I felt I couldn't be pushed because I didn't have a partner, which is partially true. Thanks to Jake, I have a partner now. For those of you who don't know Jake, he's a very fit police officer. A month ago we chose to partner up, cause we both need motivation. I even told him specifically that if I slack off on a day, keep inviting me, cause I *want* to do this. Very first day he ran me through his workout routine, took an hour, and I could only do a fraction of what he did. My god was I sore, but my god did it feel good. We planned on meeting up two days later (one day for the abs to recover) to go running. Now, I'm not a runner, and I am very intimidated by Jake because he can literally run 8 miles, but I know he's my friend and won't berate me for running a half and needing to slow down. I canceled on him cause my computer broke, that, my friends, is as a legitimate excuse as I can give.
Fast forward to now... We have only worked out on that day where he showed me his work out.. Why? Well, computer, and then he went on vacation for a week.. But the other two weeks? They were me. I overslept on almost all accounts. I *know* I should prioritize working out with Jake, but things always "came up" or I stayed up too late and needed sleep for work. I know I am purposely  sabotaging this partner because I need a reason to be lazy. And I REALLY wanna change that. Going a step further, I have time to step away from my desk whenever I want. I used to leave my desk at 2:30am (the reminder still goes off on my PC) and head to the front room and push out 20 push-ups and 30 crunches/sit-ups. Took fifteen-twenty minutes tops. Then I'd just walk back to my desk. I stopped doing that. Why? Well, my reason is because I will workout with Jake this week, which I then oversleep. See? Excuse after excuse. I had ridden my bike once to work, loved it, was there on time, felt my legs a wee bit sore, but I have only done that once, I have always left "too late" to ride my bike now. I'm telling you people, self-sabotage.

Third is work ethic. I could probably run my shift by myself with one other person as backup in case I got too busy. Since there is normally three of us to divide the work, you can imagine I have quite a bit of time on my hands to kill. I talk to friends on facebook and gmail, read a few technical news articles that interest me, and I watch movies on Netflix and TV on Hulu when time permits. Again, ALL while at work. But I keep looking at what I want to learn, what I want to do with my life, (still choosing between Windows administration and Linux/Unix). Everything that I could learn over the web, I tell myself, "I'll check that out at work," but when I'm at work, I go, "I'll read it in a little bit, this movie looks interesting!" and it never gets read. Seriously, three e-mails in my inbox RIGHT now from Furthermore, my work has this FANTASTIC deal with They can get any training information that I desire in the technical field and give me access. I *know* this is available to me for learning, I *know* I have time to kill at work anyway, but I can't seem to bring up the desire to watch those boring educational 20 min movies. To go along with this, if I choose to go back to school, something I am always thinking about in the back of my mind, I could do the majority of my homework at work. But the hassle with loans and classes, and paragraphs scare me. Damn those facebook posts that read, "Just finished my 15 page paper on _______" I don't think I could ever do that. Most of my 5 PARAGRAPH papers were full of BS. 15 pages? Pfft...

Anyway, to sum it up, I am lazy. I am motivated with no desire. I think the good news is is that I know this, and I have the strength to change, I just need to find the will (I need to find Will). I asked my friend Leasa once, what it was about me that made me so happy. She said it was a really broad question, but it probably had something to do with my house that I rented and my dogs. She also assured me that that I could figure it out. The next day I went and helped my dad carry an A/C unit up the side of a mountain, and afterward, covered in sweat and grime, I smiled. Physical labor seems to make me happy. Pushing myself physically seems to be key. Then it hit me, the work on the house and walking my dogs every day seems to make me happy. I wrote a quote, a while ago, to live for someone else's joy, and you will have joy yourself (the condition of love, as it were). I did that for a long time with my dogs. I lived FOR them, worked, bought amazing dog food, walked them every day, took Linux hiking till I nearly had to carry him out. And I was happy cause he was happy. He knows that he can interrupt my computer game, climb onto my lap and just sit. That brings me joy. Maybe one day I will raise my eyebrows (genuine surprise) as I look in the mirror and see the ME I want.

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today,
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun.

- The Fellowship of the Ring (book)
~Just a thought.

EDIT -- Check this out.

1 comment:

  1. I know why I sabotage myself. Because I have tried. Really tried. For months, sometimes even years, but in the end I always wind up right back where I started. And that's a lot of work to get nowhere. What I need is a major change to break that cycle and a buddy who will actually hold me accountable. Sounds like you might be wasting a good opportunity in that department. Anyway, what ive always said is don't worry about how much you can do or how many days you'll follow through or any of that. Just make a choice today. Just commit to starting. Once you get out there, you'll keep going. Then the choice won't be so hard tomorrow.