Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Carolanne, strange to be typing her name. I dunno why really, I think its because I still have a bit of a crush on her. I still *like* her I guess. I don't think she effected my life as some of my other exes, but she is worth mentioning because she is "the one that got away."

Carolanne was not my first girlfriend, or first kiss. She was the first of MANY girls who lived ridiculously far away though.

She lived off of 7th St and McDowell, if I tried hard enough I *think* I could find her old house again (she's since then moved). I know that 7th St and McDowell isn't terribly far, but when you are 14 and rely on parents for rides, anything ON the freeway is "far".

The strange thing about our relationship, is that our parents trusted us. The ONLY rule that was at her parent's house was that we couldn't be in her room with the door closed (for obvious reasons), but we would hang out in the living room all night, past her family going to bed. More often than not her dad would be at work and her mom would go over to her parents hosue leaving us home alone. We'd watch movies and she'd fall asleep on my chest and then I, in turn, would doze.

Something happened in her life that I don't dare repeat that caused her to break up with me. When we got reacquainted she then told me what happened, a dreadful, horrible thing that is actually ONE of the reasons I stopped believing in God for some time.

I feel lucky to be blessed with friends that I listened to when I was in high school. I remember sitting at a computer desk one night, two girls had a crush on me at the same time, BOTH wanted to be my girlfriend (ego boost), and both I liked back. The issue was, however, was that one was Carolanne, an ex, and she had broken up with me before. Thankfully, Isaac pointed that out, and I ended up choosing Didi.

But anyway, we stayed friends, and we stayed in contact throughout high school. We hung out rarely (lived in different cities after all) but every time there was a connection between us. I went over one day and stayed up through the entire night hanging out with her, Didi and I were having one of those "breaks" where she got mad and broke up with me for the evening, so hanging out with her was really nice, the connection without the fighting was nice. ANYWAY, Her, her mom, and myself stayed up till about 5am playing cards, and her mom made us all turn in for the night/morning. I slept on their couch and they went upstairs. We all got up at 9am when her mom had to leave. Carolanne texted me saying to leave and then come back after her mom left. So I did.

I parked a little far away and watched her mom drive from their apartment complex and I came back. We hung out for a little, just the two of us, she said she really did need sleep as she had work at noon. So, we both went upstairs, hands clasped, and fell asleep. That's the last time I got to hang out with Carolanne.

See, the thing about us growing up together (ish) and becoming sexually active on one of our hiatuses, our conversations were open and we could easily talk about sex. We talked about it a lot (most of our conversations were via phone due to distance) and we talked about what would've happened / what would happen if we ever had sex. After one of those nights, she called me the next day and said she had had a dream where me, her, and Didi all had a threesome. I enjoyed the thought, but brushed it off, after all it was an ex with my girlfriend, what girlfriend would do that? However, Didi was broke through my birthday, and she said that she would like a threesome for my birthday (every guys fantasy), and she thought what I would really like is to have Carolanne be with us (every guys wet dream [yes, you know its true]). Since Carolanne and I talked about it casually a couple days prior, I thought I had this in the bag. (Don't judge! I had just graduated high school!)

I asked Carolanne about it the next time we talked, and she declined, I pressed, but she still declined, saying that that would be weird for her. So I said ok and left it at that. She was a good friend after all.
I tried calling her the following week, her mom picked up and said she was working, I left a message and requested she call back. I waited another week, called, and again, she was busy, so I left another message.
A few days later after that second phone call, I had a Myspace message from a gentleman I had never met. Turns out it was a 26 year old who happend to be Carolanne's boyfriend.

The message read that Carolanne didn't want to speak to me ever again after my ridiculous thought of a threesome with my girlfriend and her. And that her and her mom agree that if I continue to try and contact her, they will file a restraining order.

I messaged him back saying I guess he didn't know the full story, but I'll do as he, and they, wish. So I deleted her number. He replied, but one not really worth mentioning.

Now, I dunno if its because her and I always talked and were open, or that we never had sex, or that she was the first REAL girlfriend I had had, or the way everything just stopped, but I miss her, terribly.

I think about her more than I'd ever really admit, but not in a depressing sort of way, just a funny, it'd be nice to get acquainted again sort of way.

It's been several years since we've talked, again, last time we saw each other I was still on and off with Didi, which was back in 07-08. But there isn't a week that goes by that I think to myself, "I wonder how she's doin'."

"It's life's inconsistencies that make life worthwhile, so don't dwell on sudden changes that may have happened, you might miss an open door."-Brandon M. Hoffman.

~Just a thought.

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