Tuesday, September 6, 2011

If I traded it all for One thing, Wouldn't that be something.

So.. It has been a long while since I have posted anything. It's not that I don't have the information I want to post.. I just haven't had the motivation. I haven't posted in ProjectMe since the 11th.. Which I slap myself on the wrist for! But I'll post on it eventually.

The past few weeks have been filled with both laughs and sorrows. Since I haven't posted on ProjectMe, Aaron and I have been doing great on our Mon/Wed/Fri OR Sat workouts, and Jake and I have been killing it on Tuesdays but slacking some on Thursdays due to things that keep coming up.

Lately I've been rethinking my life.. Where I am now and where I want to be. I ask myself if I'm happy where I am at when it comes to health, where I'm living, and my friends. Let me break it down for ya... And for those who have known me for some time. This is gonna get a little depressing, just a forewarning, but I wanna get it outa my system.

For my health, I am very happy with what I'm doing. I still need to diet better, but that will come with a better living situation to where I can cook more for myself. Since I am living with a family I feel like I'm invading their space when I use the kitchen. I just use the fridge and freezer for my drinks and food. And every once in a while the microwave.. But cooking I just don't do. My items get mixed with there's in the cupboard and I don't want to use any of their cooking materials, and I don't feel like dirtying anything more than what is already taking place in the kitchen. But I exercise on a regular basis now and I'd like to think I am halting my belly growth if not slowly making it go away.

Where I live.. Now, I am very blessed to have found the job I have. I could make a career out of where I am and make money and be happy right here in the Phoenix area for a very long time. But is it what I really want? I have always wanted to travel, and lately I have been more and more open to the idea of moving outside of the Mesa/Tempe/Chandler/Gilbert/Guad area. Even out of the county, hell the state. For the longest time, I have always been scared of leaving behind my friends and family. I have this issue of always wanting to be included in everything, its a curse, and it has kept me from wanting to move outside of my comfort zone. But lately, either my sense of adventure kicked in, or my common sense kicked in. And now if something comes a calling outside of the city or outside of the state, I am gonna go for it.

Furthermore my friends.. Now, friends.. Again this is kinda a bitch fest. I give you some warning, cause I know its partially my own insecurities. I know its my "always wanting to be included" thing that I have. If you still want to read than by all means!

I think I finally got it through my head that length of friendship doesn't necessarily mean quality of friendship. I feel closer to friends I have known for a month or so compared to a lot of friends who I've known for years. Now, friendships do die away, but I strongly feel some of these shouldn't have. Isaac and I do not talk, ever. In both of our blogs, (His is back up if you didn't know!) we said that we're working on getting closer and talking more.. Now I tried to play the tough love card on him and I guess it back fired, I really don't feel he's trying to be friends anymore. It sucks, cause we are in the same circle of said friends.. But I've tried texting him I get nothing in return. There are other things that I have noticed, but since they could just be speculations I am going to leave them out of this..

I have these long-time friends, Daniel, Donna, Gary, and Isaac, who I have considered best friends for a long time. But we just don't hang out anymore, or, at least, often. I don't feel that I'm invited to social events all the time that I'd think they'd want me to be there. I've told myself its just speculation.. Because it doesn't happen ALL the time. Big events come up, and I am there, with them and our circle of friends that we hang out with. I'd do anything and everything for them.. But I have this knot in my gut that the feeling isn't mutual.

 On the flip side, however, I have other friends who I have met outside of my circle.. Becka, Ace, Brenda, Aaron and Mike, who enjoy hanging out with me and invite me out often. I can't always go, of course, cause of sleep or obligations such as working out, but the invites, texts, and conversations keep coming. For example, Becka wanted to grab breakfast after I got out of work, now she lives in Glendale and is currently car-less, so I would have to make the drive up there. Furthermore, I always pay when we go out, its just what I do. So I make a joke through text saying, "All you are looking for is a ride to a free breakfast! lol." She called me, not texted, called to make sure that is not what she intended. I laughed and told her I completely meant it to be a joke, and that I would love to take her out to breakfast again. And we did, and as always, it was worth the trip and meal to hang out with her.

Every Sunday Mike and I head out for beers to Tilted Kilt. My birthday was Aug 16th, and this past Sunday was the first Sunday I was able to make it to because of needing sleep before work. I asked Mike about my birthday beer he promised via Facebook. I wasn't expecting anything, but sure enough, he stopped the waitress and said to put a beer on his tab for me. And when the bills came, it happened to be on mine.. I didn't care, but he insisted and stopped the waitress again and requested she fix it. And she did.

I just don't know if it is my attachment issues that I have towards some of these long term friends.. Or the fact that I am bothering them by constantly trying to be their best friend. I don't know. But maybe its time to re-evaluate things? Grow up?

I am just really scared of losing that "best friend since elementary school" thing that I have with some of these friends. But maybe it isn't there anymore anyway. I dunno.

This isn't supposed to be a rag on my friends, truly. They have done a lot for me, and I for them. Their are reasons I have considered them best friends for so long. I just think if I take them off this pedestal I've put them on, I wouldn't be bothered so much when I am left out of things, or not called or texted. My stress level would drop significantly, in which effects health more than some would think.

I think after getting more friends and branching out more, I'd be more comfortable growing up like I should and being OK with moving and taking me where life needs to take me. Focus on something more valuable than all this stuff I'm still hanging on to.

Next up is another person who changed my life forever.. And forever he did, physically, socially, mentally, and steered my path to where I am today.